I Think I’m Dying Here.
No, not really. I mean, I’m not dying, dying; however, I’ve had a huge “lump” nestled right at the bottom of my rib cage, center stage, since 1:30 a.m. And it looked like it was here to stay for the rest of my life.
I stretched. I meditated. I twisted and turned. I heated myself up like one of our Siamese in front of our fireplace. All in the vain hope of moving the lump down and out. To no avail.
You get the idea, right?
I finally broke down and went to my local CVS pharmacist hoping she might suggest a medication based on my symptoms. She stared at me hard and asked, “What did you eat for dinner last night?”
I replied, “Steak sliders with horseradish dressing.”
She blinked, slowly, and said, “Start with Tums. Drink water to get things moving. The Tums should start to work within 10 minutes or so. Follow up with Prilosec if you still have gastric pain. If you don’t feel better within a few hours, call your doctor.”
I bought my CVS brand-equivalent of TUMS antacids and Prilosec and carefully motored home through the ridiculous snowdrifts and partially snowed in roads. I took a hard right-angle turn into my narrowed-by-snow driveway and dragged myself into the house.
I unwrapped the antacids and chewed two right down, a pink one and a green one. I drank a half glass of water.
Seconds later, I burped.
I took another antacid, a yellow one this time, at 1 p.m.
I drank a half glass of water.
I took another antacid at 2 p.m.-ish and followed with a half glass of water chaser.
The lump is slowly dissipating. I’m cautiously optimistic I will weather this event.
But I surely don’t want to experience THIS again!
I’m going to tell you something that I’ve been thinking about all year: I hate getting old. I mean, I used to be able to eating anything, anything! And now? Now I guess I know I can’t eat steak sliders with horseradish dressing anymore. Or maybe I can’t eat steak sliders with horseradish dressing together with two glasses of pinot grigio anymore.
Who knew?! Who knew?!
And I don’t want to talk about the rest of the stuff I’ve been experiencing this year. You know, the getting old stuff. I’ll talk about that another day. When I’m feeling better.
So, how are YOU feeling today?